THE INVENTORY

I’ve been coming across a lot of articles, journals, blogs, and posts about toxic people, narcissistic people, negative people, etc.  I’ve read many of them, actually.  One post by Daniell Koepke, in particular, struck a nerve and prompted me to write tonight:

“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring.  Some of them love us dearly.  Many of them have good intentions.  Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness.  They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us.  And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.  Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else.  You have to make your wellbeing a priority.” 

Yeah.  I get it Daniell…I get it.  More than you know.

We all go through a little thing I call “life inventory”.  (Some people refer to it as a mid-life crisis…but more on that in a minute).  I’ve always seen my introspective moments as an opportunity to truly care about my well-being and I find a great sense of relief when I do this regularly.  I’ve also fallen victim to the dark side when I quit doing this because I’m so focused on everyone and everything else and have found myself drowning in a sea of negativity.  I’ve especially been in that place a good bit over the past four years.  There have been a lot of highs, sure.  Really good highs, in fact.  Beautiful, life altering highs that have forever transformed how I choose to execute my daily life.    

There have also been a lot of lows.  In thinking back on all those lows it was usually induced by the people with whom I had chosen to surround myself.  Not bad people by any stretch; I truly stay away from bad people…period.  I do have limits.  But sometimes it’s too easy to join others on their pity parade, go down the rabbit hole of darkness with someone, play victim with other victims, and even engage in a little blame game action along the way.  You know them; you’ve been them.  We all have.  The people who blame everyone else for their problems and circumstances even when they were 100% in control of their contributions and decisions.  It’s easy to blame others for our own short-comings or bad decisions; it means we don’t have to acknowledge ourselves and what we did to get to the dark place we are residing. 

However, I really like the part when you wake up and realize you are in the sea of toxicity and swim your way out.  You usually walk away with a lot of great knowledge and realizations about how you want to proceed forward.  But what about those others you’re leaving behind?  I suppose they keep drowning.  And sometimes no matter how many life preservers you throw out there to help them they just can’t see past their own selves and grab on.  The harsh truth is this:  it is not our job to save others from themselves. 

I’m not suggesting we totally abandon all empathy or quit listening to our friends/loved ones during a taxing time in their life, or quit supporting them through a difficult period.  We all have them:  we are human and we are flawed.  The greatest of all gifts is to give someone a part of your self during these moments as it leads to healing.  What I am suggesting, however, is to abandon the consistently negative and toxic people.  The people who are forever complaining about their glass being empty.  The people who can’t acknowledge they are getting in their own way because they are too prideful or they have all the answers.  These people are almost never wrong and yet they are the ones who are always alone…and they are alone because they can’t admit to their part they played in getting where they are.  The people who are basically too damn perfect and brilliant to believe there is anything wrong with them. 

And if you’re one of these people, maybe it’s time to abandon your “self” and start over with a new outlook. 

I liked the perspective I read earlier tonight:  it’s not that these people are bad; they’re just bad for you and where you may be in your life.  Not everyone travels on the same wavelengths.  Sometimes we meet people who are meant to be a catalyst for great change.  And they are just that:  the catalyst.  While everything in life we encounter is impermanent, we must have the right kind of people and village around us while we are here.  These choices should be deliberate and coincide with where you are in your life.  And you must mutually agree that you will be forever changing and growing in order to sustain the relationship.  I believe in this practice so much now that I’ve really done some housekeeping in the past year, respectively.

Change is not something that comes easy for me even though I know it’s going to happen.  I’m a very sentimental person and I get attached to things on a very deep and passionate level.  There are a lot of times I’ve deliberately hung on to something lamenting its departure…even when I’ve known it to be a necessary departure.  And let’s face it:  sometimes it is just damn hard to let go.  There are also times where change is imparted upon us when we aren’t quite ready for it either, which forces us to let go when we weren’t quite ready.  There are times we feel perfect and brilliant and don’t see it coming and those are the worst times because it usually leads to your whole life being altered…because you forgot you were flawed and a work-in-progress. 

This year will go down as the most significant impact my life has had to date; both positive and negative levels, but incredibly significant.  I’ve done a lot of inventory emotionally, mentally, personally, professionally, physically, spiritually and every other “-ally” you can add to a list.  I’ve made significant progress in a lot of ways, but I know that I’m forever changing and I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m completely comfortable and confident with that.  I’ve been accused of having a mid-life crisis (I’ve returned to my previous point), which I find insulting.  I used to believe in the mid-life crisis, however, I don’t anymore.  Because now, when I look back on my life to date I’ve had plenty of them…and they have all been far from occurring mid-life.  I have been cleaning out closets and conducting inventory all my life; I just never knew what it all meant until now.  I will continue doing this regularly, too, because I’m committed to myself for the long-haul.  We only get one chance to do this whole “life” thing and I’m done wasting time in toxic, dark places.  Even periodically.  I’ll have a pity party sometimes because I’m human and it’s ok to have a party, but it will never be the never-ending story.

It’s a beautiful thing to wake up and realize your “self”.  I mean really realize yourself.  Go forth and challenge yourself to be better; quit swimming in to the abyss if you’re there.  Find your place and your people.  Move.  Get off your ass.  You only get one chance to do this shit so get it done.  And love who you are no matter what because when your time comes, you won’t get a do-over so make this one count.

It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t shed some light on some of my own personal recognitions this year, so I’ll end with my list of truths to consider:     

*  I really hate excuses.  I no longer accept them and I no longer make them.  I really appreciate others who recognize when they’re making them and admit it.  I really like it more when people acknowledge them and do something about it.    

*  I hate selfishness.  This is not the same as wanting things and not wanting to share things (I have a toddler…the struggle is real).  This is also not the same thing as taking care of yourself first so you’re better for everyone else.  This is the thing people do who put their own interests, needs, and wants above others and ignore everyone around them.  These people usually find themselves alone on their own island. 

*  I’m afraid of failing myself almost every single day.  But I finally know I’m also my own worst critic and I’m now focused on doing the best I can every day.  Some days I still stumble.  And some days I really fuck up.  But I get back up and keep going because I have to.  Because I want to.  Because I’m choosing to.  I’m not losing now because even when I do lose, I win with the knowledge I didn’t have the day before. 

*  I’m not afraid of being by myself.  Because even though I’m by myself I’m not alone.  I’ve got the most amazing son, father, and friends I could have ever dreamed up.  I’ve chosen them and they’ve chosen me with unwavering commitment and love, with the promise that we will change.  These people, too, will never remain in the sea of despair…they will always find their way out, too.  They will grab hold of that life preserver when they’re ready.

*  Perfection is unattainable and I refuse to be a victim.  My house and my car are clean…ridiculously clean.  Those will be the only things that I will consider perfect about my life.  Even then, sometimes I leave dirty dishes in the sink just to be different.  My life is messy, crazy, beautiful and full of wonder and it will always surprise me or throw me a curve ball.  Perfection doesn’t allow for you to swing with the changes, so I’m choosing to be satisfied with where I’m at present day.  (Operative word:  present). 

*  I’m a very optimistic person who is committed to self-improvement.  I always have been.  I just disappeared for a long time.  I believed once that I could make the pessimistic person an optimist and the realist realize there was more to life than face value.  But holy shit…I’m back!  And back with a mission:  to never return to status quo or accepting sub-par when I know there’s more life to be had.  I just can’t handle negativity the way I used to any longer, but I know now I don’t have to.  My life=my choice.

*  Exercise is critical to all things amazing.  It’s not a joke or a myth.  It’s the truth.  I've always known it, I just forgot about it because I chose to.  I finally got off the food truck I’d been riding for the past 10 years and found something amazing and wonderful:  my own island of misfits.  Beautiful, life-changing, rogue individuals just like me who decided they no longer wanted to be where they were and did something about it.  I love the passion so much that they have become a family of sorts.  My personal army of warriors committed to self-improvement and holds me accountable whether they know it or not. 

*  I love running away to do things.  I love coming back home now.  I used to want to run away from my life and stay there.  But I’ve finally built a life for myself that I am proud of and I’m happy to continue creating it.  I don’t know where it all will lead but it doesn’t matter anymore because it will lead me where it leads me.  I’m focusing on the present and making good decisions in the present; not based on the past or in the future because you can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future.  You can only learn from your past and work to not make the same mistakes again.  The key to that age-old piece of advice is to really learn from your past and grow. 

*  I’m definitely not for everyone.  I try.  Trying is all I can do.  Sometimes I come across as a bitch, or too demanding, or too much.  I’m okay with that.  Not everyone is supposed to like me and that’s okay, too.  I don’t like everyone either.  (See entire post above).

Now, go...get to work.  It’s time for inventory and year-end is coming so get rid of those charitable donations--the ones that aren't tax-deductible. 

-BWT

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

— George Bernard Shaw

THE RUSH

It happened again. 

They say after you lose someone that the loss will strike you at the strangest times.  This week was nothing short of unexpected in that arena.  It occurred to me today that my mom has been gone for almost three months.  Three.  Whole.  Months.  A lot of life has happened in those three months that I will never be able to share with her.  Spiritually, sure.  But those times where a girl just needs her mom to listen, it occurred to me today I don’t have that any longer.  I’ve never been overly secretive about my relationship with my mom growing up:  we had a very unique dynamic.  Oil and water—always.  However, on those “days like today” occasions, my mom would always pick up on my need to release, and one thing she did always do in those moments for me was listen.  And today, I needed that and I didn’t have that.  And thank God for surrogates who don’t really know they are your surrogates; at least I have mom figures still in my life and for that I am beyond thankful.  But today was a day without my mother, and being an adult only child today really sucked.

This entire week has been filled with reminders of all of those major life changes that have occurred over the past two years for me, respectively.  It hit me again today just how much I’ve lost and gained in the past two years—some great things, some bad things.  And just like life has a funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, all of those reminders came tumbling in this week in some shape or form.  It’s been a beautiful shit storm of emotion and today was the day I just wanted my mom to listen.  So today, my friends, you get to listen. 

Life happens.  Every.  Single.  Day.  We wake up and adult, whether we want to adult or not.  We rush to get ourselves ready, run around crazy trying to rush out of the house, just in time to rush children in to school, just so we can rush to work and join the rat race to keep a roof over our heads.  We rush home in rush hour traffic just so we can rush through dinner, dishes, baths, and laundry.  Then we rush our kids to bed.  By the time we’ve rushed through another day, it ends.  Just like that.  It’s gone.  You’re left sitting with your thoughts and usually, by then, you are in a catatonic state ready to go to bed just so you can rush through the next day all over again.

I try really hard to not fall in to this pattern.  Some days it’s harder than others because I get tired of navigating adulthood alone.  And on days like today, I was pretty humbled by it as it sometimes happens that way.  I know the feeling is temporary, just as life is pretty temporary in the grand scheme of things.  I try to never dwell on the choices I have made and the direction of my life because it was just that:  my choice.  But, we are all human and sometimes we dwell on what we want that we don’t have.  There has been nothing in my life that has served more as a reminder of what temporary really means more than losing my mom this year.  While it seems as though I had a lifetime with her, three and a half decades really wasn’t long enough.  And no amount of time would have ever been long enough because let’s face it:  we are never, ever prepared to lose anything in life—especially people.  No matter how much you may see it coming, or that you know it’s coming, the inevitable will always happen.  People will die, friendships will end, relationships will fail, and people you meet will leave, too.  I strive every single day to grasp the notion that everything in life we encounter is merely temporary.  But damn…it’s really hard sometimes to not get attached to certain people, places and things.  Even when those people, places and things aren’t always the best for us.

But as my mind has drifted down the stream of loss today, my mind has also wandered into the other place where you begin to reflect on all of the good things you have encountered in your life.  How timely another article I happened to read about six months ago showed up on my Facebook news feed again and of course—I read that shit again.  It was an article about the five types of soulmates you will meet and love in your lifetime—I love this article; it’s so beautiful (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/5-types-of-soulmates-well-meet-love-in-our-lifetimes/). 

Some people don’t believe in soulmates, but I do.  My definition of a soulmate is not necessarily one of fairy tales and unicorns, but I do believe that in our lifetime we will meet people who reach a part of our innermost person and we will be forever changed by them.  These are who I consider to be soulmates.  I’ve been lucky to have several soulmates in my lifetime thus far.  Sometimes they do stay forever, and other times they are meant to serve as a lesson and move on.  I really love those little reminders I get periodically that these people have happened.  It’s what keeps me centered on days like today and the realization that nothing is permanent and it’s okay to feel nostalgic or to be sad sometimes.  It also helps remind me that we are forever growing and evolving as human beings and we all need soulmates to carry us through to the next phase of our life. 

So for all the days like today when I’m missing something or someone or I’m feeling alone, I will choose to hammer it out on “paper” (I’m trying desperately to avoid hitting the journal and better leverage technology) and go to bed with the reminder that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to encounter one of life’s many lessons.  All of life is a journey and tomorrow I will focus on not rushing through the day and going through the motions of being an adult, but rather be thankful for all of the good, bad, and ugly lessons I have yet to learn.  After all, I’m still growing and you never know what the day will hold. 

But tonight?  Tonight I’m going to be sad and lament all of the people I miss and those lessons I’ve learned.  And tonight that just has to be okay.

-BWT

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”

— Leo Tolstoy

THE INTERSECTION

All conversations that seem to invoke the need to write usually happen over lunch with someone and today is no different.  Well, that’s not entirely true:  I always want to write.  Finding the time to do it is something that is proving to be a bit of a challenge (at least in the technological sense).  I’m falling behind on technology.  Something about the pen still gets to me... 

I am continually amazed by people and how much human lives intersect.  I can usually identify a kindred spirit pretty easily—the fun part is figuring out how my life will parallel with the person with whom I am engaging.  In a professional setting, this can sometimes be difficult for me because I am so interested in learning about people that I have to constantly be cognizant to not overstep boundaries.  Sometimes I fail at this…so I just have to laugh it off and keep moving.  However, 90% of the time I’m pretty lucky and get to be friends with the people I work with and for that I am super thankful.  I, too, have to remember that I am an acquired taste and I don’t appeal to some audiences.  (Those are the super funny and super awkward moments that I will someday detail in the HUMOR section on this site). 

Now that the framework is set, back to the lunch meeting…

I love meeting strong women—strong, independent women to be precise.  These are the women with whom I identify because our lives and how we live them are generally the same.  We are truth-seekers.  We are often loyal to our detriment because our will is stronger than our emotions.  We power through life like bulldozers because we see no other way.  We speak our minds and we are blunt in almost everything we do.  We will often hurt your feelings because we are committed to honesty and the truth.  We are often accused of being emotionless even though we feel very deeply.  We will always help people but refuse to be told what to do and how to do it.  We’ve already figured that out.  We’re not easy.  We’re difficult in fact…difficult because we are committed to all things equal.  And we are damn sure committed to maintaining autonomy.   

And we aren’t for the faint of heart because of these things.   

These women are my people.  If I consider my closest girlfriends we all possess many of these traits.  We are so connected because we understand a depth and level of one another that some find difficult to rationalize or consider.  I’ve never considered myself special or perfect though I often joke about being both.  The truth is we are all special in own individual ways.  But an independent woman can be a dangerous thing because she knows her truth or is 100% committed to seeking it (and chances are she knows your truth, too).  This is particularly challenging in a relationship, especially when the other party hasn’t figured out their own truth. 

I was shocked to learn today that my lunch guest was getting a divorce.  As I listened to her story, I found so much of what she was saying resonating with my life.  Married for more than 20 years, she told me that one day she just woke up and decided that everything she had been doing for 20 years was a compromise or sacrifice on her end, with little reciprocity.  When he was forced to face the truth of their relationship, he was a victim:  it was her who was the problem and had the problem.  She was the one who needed counseling, not him.  She could spin it any way she wanted to, but at the end of the day it was her who was wrong.  For the past two years she had tried to convey to her husband her needs and wants that seemingly fell on deaf ears because of how she was as an individual inside of their marriage.  He would often say “I get it; I’ll do better” but yield no result.  He left the marriage with no resolve and dissonance; she left the marriage empowered and ready to navigate the road ahead. 

Marriage in and of itself is work; neither party is exempt from the level of work that is required to sustain a marriage.  But what are you left to do when one party bestows the majority of the responsibility and work to the other without ever considering their wants and needs or even really asking if it’s all right if they carry the weight?  I’ve been privy to many conversations over the past several years around why marriages are failing or unsatisfactory.  The general sentiment is almost always the same:  one person did more than the other and finally had enough. 

I’ve come to believe that this is why independent women struggle inside of a relationship and inside of marriage.  We are so equipped to getting shit done and taking care of everything that we often find pleasure in just “handling it” without the front-end recognition we are setting ourselves up for disappointment down the road.  This, too, was a very profound realization for me.  Sometimes we are lucky to meet a man who understands our independence and embraces it without trying to change us.  If we’re really lucky, we meet a man who is also independent but embraces us as a partner and shares in the responsibility of a relationship and all that comes with it.  With as many unsuccessful marriages as I’ve witnessed, I’ve also witnessed some very amazing ones, too.  Sometimes we are willing to make concessions for someone with whom we feel is a good match because we believe that somewhere, deep down, they will reciprocate the very things we do for them.  Sometimes people do reciprocate—and therein lies the success.  It’s not easy; it never is.  It’s damn hard work.  But it’s rewarding work because reciprocity is limitless and rewarding and I believe this is where most people want to live. 

And, sometimes we end up giving more than required with little to no return because we are perceived to be able to handle it.  And sometimes, walking away is the best thing you can do because there’s only so much room in gas tank and there’s only so much gas available.

If you’re finding yourself falling into the seams of unhappiness, do yourself a favor and question yourself and your contribution to your relationship.  Are you honestly giving enough?  Are you executing selflessly?  Do you find yourself blaming your spouse in an exponential manner?  If you can answer those questions and still sleep at night, chances are you’ve done everything you could do within your capacity and capability.  If you find yourself restless consider you may need help to conquer an inner demon and wholly commit yourself to the person you married and work on true reciprocity and partnership.  And if you can't recognize you might need help, then do your partner a favor and share in that truth and be honest.   

One thing I very deeply believe is that the greatest contributions to your relationship begin with you.  If you aren’t the best version of yourself and you aren’t committed to growth and change (and growth and change together), you will always be taking more water from the well than necessary.  The lasting impact that has on your partner will almost always lead you on a journey to find another well. 

-BWT

BLIND WOMAN WALKING

Here I sit again, reflecting back on a lunch conversation with a business prospect today.  I can’t say it enough:  I love people.  Really.  Well, most people anyway.  I especially value good conversation and people with depth and a soul.  When we’re lucky, we get to have time with people like this.  I love being aware to these things now.

We were talking today about how some people are geared to believe and offer the best of themselves to everyone they meet, with the hopes that we, too, will be rewarded in reciprocity.  Some people just naturally care about others while some only care about themselves.  It’s not a blame or fault on the human race – our experiences harbor this behavior really.  A little thing we call “learned behavior.”  Some people are always right, regardless of viable opinions others may present.  It’s not their fault they were raised by a parent who always led a household this way.  Some people say and sell you on all things unicorns and rainbows (and sometimes we are naïve enough to believe them).  It’s not anyone’s fault this happens because in life there are the “how stuff happens” people and the “let’s make that happen” people.  Some people are so preoccupied with personal gain they will destroy everyone in their path to get to the end goal.  (There’s no good explanation for these people; they are just assholes).  Some people are always victims, never able to take ownership of their mistakes or bad behaviors and how they may have affected others.  And some people just exist…it’s hard to understand these kinds of people anyway. 

In the spirit of being positive, however, there are some people who do possess those rewarding and redeeming behaviors in life and you are forever touched by them.  These are the kind of people with whom I seek to surround myself. 

However, I digress. 

My lunch guest today has recently gone through a major transition in their professional life - and let’s just say a narcissistic asshole left them with tasks larger than a Chuck Norris conquest.  It left me thinking about how, in life, we often walk blindly into many things with the hope that by being the best versions of ourselves we can be in that moment we will be rewarded with favorable outcomes.  But most of the time, like the Rolling Stones song says:  we can’t always get what we want.  So if we don’t always get what we want, how do we continue to walk blindly into life situations and experiences in preparation for failure?  We don’t most of the time.  And we shouldn’t.  I have come to believe that the reason we feel failed in life or by our experiences is because we don’t properly manage our own expectations. 

I came across an old journal entry from 2003 where I was reflecting forward on my upcoming wedding day.  I knew then that getting married at 23 was a bad idea.  I was so cognizant it was a bad idea that I had written on it before it ever took place.  (Another one of life’s “THERE’S YOUR SIGN” moments).  I realized in reading it that we spend a lot of our time on earth working through mismanaged expectations.  Maybe someone tells you that you are the best thing to ever happen to them – and you begin crafting a romance novel life out of that statement.  Four months later you find yourself angered and surprised when you find out you were only a phase that happened to them.  Maybe your manager tells you that you are the best employee they have ever had – and you work late nights and at home on the weekends making sure you stay at the top of the hill.  Six months later your job role is eliminated and the person who was hired one month before you gets to keep the coveted role you worked your ass off to get. 

Sometimes we see too much promise and glamour in the life we’ve designed in our head that we fail to recognize what’s actually in front of us…and most of the time it’s not so full of promise or glamour:  it just is. 

I talk to many people in a given week and this sentiment is usually present in almost all of life’s scenarios:  we fail to manage our own expectations because we want to see the best versions of ourselves in others.  Humans are flawed, as I mentioned earlier.  People are not all wired the same.  This is what makes the world a sweet, loving, terrible, and horrible and ‘life worth living’ place.  We don’t all communicate the same ways, however, if we are aware enough and willing to let go of our own expectations of others we wouldn’t be so disappointed after all. 

I’m really trying hard to practice this now for myself.  In most areas of my life it seems to have helped.  I quit expecting so much in my professional life – I just get up and do a job I love and hope that my efforts fulfill me enough that I’m successful.  I’ve quit expecting myself to be Supermom – my son smiles and giggles every day and is growing and learning new things every day.  I stopped feeling like a failure when I’m too tired to cook dinner so we eat McDonald’s.  I quit blaming myself for not doing 500 activities in a two-day weekend, but instead let my son watch TV for an hour while I doze in and out of sleep on the couch.  I don’t show up to my son’s school with the monogrammed Easter basket for the Easter egg hunt.  I don’t blame myself when my son eats a booger or does weird shit I can’t explain.  I drink the whole bottle of wine sometimes because I can.  I no longer apologize for not returning a text or answering the phone because I don’t want to talk.  Sometimes, I just don’t want to talk.  Or maybe I’m busy doing single mom shit around the house.  Or maybe I just wanted to go to bed at 7:30 p.m.  Or maybe (just maybe!) I’ve quit expecting myself to be something I’m not capable of being that day. 

Now that I’m beginning to practice the art of nothingness in everything, I’m finding fulfillment in more things.  I’m comfortable walking blindly into things now without panicking.  I don’t worry when I don’t get a reply to an e-mail/returned phone call/ignored text/no comments on my Facebook posts.  I don’t mind who I am and where I’m headed now.  It’s pretty liberating and I wish everyone would try it.  After all these years of listening to my dad tell me that the best company is yourself, I finally understand what that means. 

So I’ll keep walking with my eyes closed and mind open…it is much better this way.

-BWT

“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”

— BUDDHA

BASTARD BRIDGE

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past week looking through old journal entries, work I had written in college English courses, articles I have saved over the years and now my home office looks like a tornado blew through it.  I couldn’t be any more satisfied with the chaos that surrounds me as I am beginning to embark on the journey of actually doing what I’ve wanted to do for so long.  I still have so much to type out to put in the OTHER WORKS section, and I hope that I am given the time to make it happen.  So far, I’m finding myself caught up in the euphoria I once felt when I was a student in the English program at Alabama.  I’ll never forget the moment that the fire ignited and I knew this was a passion that would never be able to be extinguished. 

I met with a mentor/community colleague (who I am also lucky to call a friend) this morning for coffee and I am constantly inspired by the people with whom I get to interact in my “grown up job.”  The more meetings I have with people in a given day/week/month/year, the more I discover that you will never get to the bottom of them:  I love this element of human interaction.  Some people profess to be very simple but I disagree.  There is so much depth to everyone you encounter and sometimes you are lucky to get ¾ of the way to the bottom.  We were talking about life (as we usually end up doing) and the conversation led down the path of me recently losing my mother.  Her death has served as the catalyst of my diving head first into writing in a public setting.  I used to talk to her about it often and she always would encourage me to do it; I was just always too chicken shit to actually get it out there in fear that I would be mislabeled or judged.  She would always laugh at me and tell me that if I was worried about being mislabeled or judged I would be less open in my day to day life (or, she would sometimes tell me I was a bull in a china shop—surprise).  In hindsight, she had a point.

I left my meeting this morning reflecting on our conversation and while driving back to my office the sentiment of finality hit me:  we never quite know when our time will come to cross the bridge to move on to the next phase of our life, or even on to the next life.  I recently read an article on one of my favorite sites, Elephant Journal.  The article addressed death and the grieving process.  In particular, the text that spoke the most to me was as follows:

“…words nudging you across the bridge of your old life, where your dear one was alive, to your new life, where they’re not.  It is not a bridge you wanted to cross—you hate this bastard bridge.  But you can’t turn back.” (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/08/how-to-survive-the-loss-of-someone-we-cant-live-without/)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about moments in life that serve as opportunities for great change.  We commonly ignore them for a multitude of reasons:  commitments/obligations, poor timing, lack of financial resources, fear, et. Al.  However, those moments that force us to cross over in to the next phase of our life can be laden with doubt, fear and even resentment.  It took my mother dying to shift my mind into forward-thinking overdrive, and it’s an overdrive I’m finding some level of resentment in—I wasn’t ready for this.  Yet, I’ve been considering a lot of things this year but have recoiled back a little based on what I mentioned above.  It led me to consider the decision-making process of life all over again:  if you knew you had such little time to accomplish something, would you take a leap of faith and cross the bridge, ignoring your fear?  Or would it take something tragic happening to force you into the direction of uncertainty?

I think life is comprised of many of these moments for everyone—if we knew when our time would end or how liberating a life-changing decision could be before the moment actually occurred, no one would have regret or longing for something more or better.  Sometimes bad things have to happen in order to wake us up to how homeostatic and complacent we become in our daily lives.  When you consider the time we do have on this earth, with the assumption that we do life a full life, it happens so quickly so we shouldn’t stop and think too long about taking the road less traveled.  My mother was right about this sentiment—we shouldn’t sit around too long waiting for good things to happen all the time because good things don’t happen all the time; sometimes, we have to take a leap of faith and trust that we will just be all right and happiness is waiting on the other side of the bridge for us. 

My mom and I had many conversations this year about finding happiness in life and surrounding ourselves with those who enhance our spirit without hindrance.  She and I were oil and water, but one thing we always agreed upon was how to love.  As I sit and think about all of the things we talked about this year I am finding myself met with dissonance for facing the rest of my adult life without her.  Death is inevitable, I am wholly aware of this being an only child.  What I could never predict is how difficult it would be to walk across the bridge without my mother or father as an adult only child.  The author of the article I referenced was right:  I hate this bastard bridge, but I’ve got to keep crossing it and I can’t turn back.  I can only have faith that in this transition of my life, I am making the decisions necessary to live the remainder of it to its fullest surrounded by those who enhance it. 

-BWT

“The most important thing to remember is this: to be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.”

— W.E.B. Du Bois