THE INVENTORY
I’ve been coming across a lot of articles, journals, blogs, and posts about toxic people, narcissistic people, negative people, etc. I’ve read many of them, actually. One post by Daniell Koepke, in particular, struck a nerve and prompted me to write tonight:
“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your wellbeing a priority.”
Yeah. I get it Daniell…I get it. More than you know.
We all go through a little thing I call “life inventory”. (Some people refer to it as a mid-life crisis…but more on that in a minute). I’ve always seen my introspective moments as an opportunity to truly care about my well-being and I find a great sense of relief when I do this regularly. I’ve also fallen victim to the dark side when I quit doing this because I’m so focused on everyone and everything else and have found myself drowning in a sea of negativity. I’ve especially been in that place a good bit over the past four years. There have been a lot of highs, sure. Really good highs, in fact. Beautiful, life altering highs that have forever transformed how I choose to execute my daily life.
There have also been a lot of lows. In thinking back on all those lows it was usually induced by the people with whom I had chosen to surround myself. Not bad people by any stretch; I truly stay away from bad people…period. I do have limits. But sometimes it’s too easy to join others on their pity parade, go down the rabbit hole of darkness with someone, play victim with other victims, and even engage in a little blame game action along the way. You know them; you’ve been them. We all have. The people who blame everyone else for their problems and circumstances even when they were 100% in control of their contributions and decisions. It’s easy to blame others for our own short-comings or bad decisions; it means we don’t have to acknowledge ourselves and what we did to get to the dark place we are residing.
However, I really like the part when you wake up and realize you are in the sea of toxicity and swim your way out. You usually walk away with a lot of great knowledge and realizations about how you want to proceed forward. But what about those others you’re leaving behind? I suppose they keep drowning. And sometimes no matter how many life preservers you throw out there to help them they just can’t see past their own selves and grab on. The harsh truth is this: it is not our job to save others from themselves.
I’m not suggesting we totally abandon all empathy or quit listening to our friends/loved ones during a taxing time in their life, or quit supporting them through a difficult period. We all have them: we are human and we are flawed. The greatest of all gifts is to give someone a part of your self during these moments as it leads to healing. What I am suggesting, however, is to abandon the consistently negative and toxic people. The people who are forever complaining about their glass being empty. The people who can’t acknowledge they are getting in their own way because they are too prideful or they have all the answers. These people are almost never wrong and yet they are the ones who are always alone…and they are alone because they can’t admit to their part they played in getting where they are. The people who are basically too damn perfect and brilliant to believe there is anything wrong with them.
And if you’re one of these people, maybe it’s time to abandon your “self” and start over with a new outlook.
I liked the perspective I read earlier tonight: it’s not that these people are bad; they’re just bad for you and where you may be in your life. Not everyone travels on the same wavelengths. Sometimes we meet people who are meant to be a catalyst for great change. And they are just that: the catalyst. While everything in life we encounter is impermanent, we must have the right kind of people and village around us while we are here. These choices should be deliberate and coincide with where you are in your life. And you must mutually agree that you will be forever changing and growing in order to sustain the relationship. I believe in this practice so much now that I’ve really done some housekeeping in the past year, respectively.
Change is not something that comes easy for me even though I know it’s going to happen. I’m a very sentimental person and I get attached to things on a very deep and passionate level. There are a lot of times I’ve deliberately hung on to something lamenting its departure…even when I’ve known it to be a necessary departure. And let’s face it: sometimes it is just damn hard to let go. There are also times where change is imparted upon us when we aren’t quite ready for it either, which forces us to let go when we weren’t quite ready. There are times we feel perfect and brilliant and don’t see it coming and those are the worst times because it usually leads to your whole life being altered…because you forgot you were flawed and a work-in-progress.
This year will go down as the most significant impact my life has had to date; both positive and negative levels, but incredibly significant. I’ve done a lot of inventory emotionally, mentally, personally, professionally, physically, spiritually and every other “-ally” you can add to a list. I’ve made significant progress in a lot of ways, but I know that I’m forever changing and I’m finally at a point in my life where I’m completely comfortable and confident with that. I’ve been accused of having a mid-life crisis (I’ve returned to my previous point), which I find insulting. I used to believe in the mid-life crisis, however, I don’t anymore. Because now, when I look back on my life to date I’ve had plenty of them…and they have all been far from occurring mid-life. I have been cleaning out closets and conducting inventory all my life; I just never knew what it all meant until now. I will continue doing this regularly, too, because I’m committed to myself for the long-haul. We only get one chance to do this whole “life” thing and I’m done wasting time in toxic, dark places. Even periodically. I’ll have a pity party sometimes because I’m human and it’s ok to have a party, but it will never be the never-ending story.
It’s a beautiful thing to wake up and realize your “self”. I mean really realize yourself. Go forth and challenge yourself to be better; quit swimming in to the abyss if you’re there. Find your place and your people. Move. Get off your ass. You only get one chance to do this shit so get it done. And love who you are no matter what because when your time comes, you won’t get a do-over so make this one count.
It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t shed some light on some of my own personal recognitions this year, so I’ll end with my list of truths to consider:
* I really hate excuses. I no longer accept them and I no longer make them. I really appreciate others who recognize when they’re making them and admit it. I really like it more when people acknowledge them and do something about it.
* I hate selfishness. This is not the same as wanting things and not wanting to share things (I have a toddler…the struggle is real). This is also not the same thing as taking care of yourself first so you’re better for everyone else. This is the thing people do who put their own interests, needs, and wants above others and ignore everyone around them. These people usually find themselves alone on their own island.
* I’m afraid of failing myself almost every single day. But I finally know I’m also my own worst critic and I’m now focused on doing the best I can every day. Some days I still stumble. And some days I really fuck up. But I get back up and keep going because I have to. Because I want to. Because I’m choosing to. I’m not losing now because even when I do lose, I win with the knowledge I didn’t have the day before.
* I’m not afraid of being by myself. Because even though I’m by myself I’m not alone. I’ve got the most amazing son, father, and friends I could have ever dreamed up. I’ve chosen them and they’ve chosen me with unwavering commitment and love, with the promise that we will change. These people, too, will never remain in the sea of despair…they will always find their way out, too. They will grab hold of that life preserver when they’re ready.
* Perfection is unattainable and I refuse to be a victim. My house and my car are clean…ridiculously clean. Those will be the only things that I will consider perfect about my life. Even then, sometimes I leave dirty dishes in the sink just to be different. My life is messy, crazy, beautiful and full of wonder and it will always surprise me or throw me a curve ball. Perfection doesn’t allow for you to swing with the changes, so I’m choosing to be satisfied with where I’m at present day. (Operative word: present).
* I’m a very optimistic person who is committed to self-improvement. I always have been. I just disappeared for a long time. I believed once that I could make the pessimistic person an optimist and the realist realize there was more to life than face value. But holy shit…I’m back! And back with a mission: to never return to status quo or accepting sub-par when I know there’s more life to be had. I just can’t handle negativity the way I used to any longer, but I know now I don’t have to. My life=my choice.
* Exercise is critical to all things amazing. It’s not a joke or a myth. It’s the truth. I've always known it, I just forgot about it because I chose to. I finally got off the food truck I’d been riding for the past 10 years and found something amazing and wonderful: my own island of misfits. Beautiful, life-changing, rogue individuals just like me who decided they no longer wanted to be where they were and did something about it. I love the passion so much that they have become a family of sorts. My personal army of warriors committed to self-improvement and holds me accountable whether they know it or not.
* I love running away to do things. I love coming back home now. I used to want to run away from my life and stay there. But I’ve finally built a life for myself that I am proud of and I’m happy to continue creating it. I don’t know where it all will lead but it doesn’t matter anymore because it will lead me where it leads me. I’m focusing on the present and making good decisions in the present; not based on the past or in the future because you can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future. You can only learn from your past and work to not make the same mistakes again. The key to that age-old piece of advice is to really learn from your past and grow.
* I’m definitely not for everyone. I try. Trying is all I can do. Sometimes I come across as a bitch, or too demanding, or too much. I’m okay with that. Not everyone is supposed to like me and that’s okay, too. I don’t like everyone either. (See entire post above).
Now, go...get to work. It’s time for inventory and year-end is coming so get rid of those charitable donations--the ones that aren't tax-deductible.
-BWT
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”