THE RUSH
It happened again.
They say after you lose someone that the loss will strike you at the strangest times. This week was nothing short of unexpected in that arena. It occurred to me today that my mom has been gone for almost three months. Three. Whole. Months. A lot of life has happened in those three months that I will never be able to share with her. Spiritually, sure. But those times where a girl just needs her mom to listen, it occurred to me today I don’t have that any longer. I’ve never been overly secretive about my relationship with my mom growing up: we had a very unique dynamic. Oil and water—always. However, on those “days like today” occasions, my mom would always pick up on my need to release, and one thing she did always do in those moments for me was listen. And today, I needed that and I didn’t have that. And thank God for surrogates who don’t really know they are your surrogates; at least I have mom figures still in my life and for that I am beyond thankful. But today was a day without my mother, and being an adult only child today really sucked.
This entire week has been filled with reminders of all of those major life changes that have occurred over the past two years for me, respectively. It hit me again today just how much I’ve lost and gained in the past two years—some great things, some bad things. And just like life has a funny way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, all of those reminders came tumbling in this week in some shape or form. It’s been a beautiful shit storm of emotion and today was the day I just wanted my mom to listen. So today, my friends, you get to listen.
Life happens. Every. Single. Day. We wake up and adult, whether we want to adult or not. We rush to get ourselves ready, run around crazy trying to rush out of the house, just in time to rush children in to school, just so we can rush to work and join the rat race to keep a roof over our heads. We rush home in rush hour traffic just so we can rush through dinner, dishes, baths, and laundry. Then we rush our kids to bed. By the time we’ve rushed through another day, it ends. Just like that. It’s gone. You’re left sitting with your thoughts and usually, by then, you are in a catatonic state ready to go to bed just so you can rush through the next day all over again.
I try really hard to not fall in to this pattern. Some days it’s harder than others because I get tired of navigating adulthood alone. And on days like today, I was pretty humbled by it as it sometimes happens that way. I know the feeling is temporary, just as life is pretty temporary in the grand scheme of things. I try to never dwell on the choices I have made and the direction of my life because it was just that: my choice. But, we are all human and sometimes we dwell on what we want that we don’t have. There has been nothing in my life that has served more as a reminder of what temporary really means more than losing my mom this year. While it seems as though I had a lifetime with her, three and a half decades really wasn’t long enough. And no amount of time would have ever been long enough because let’s face it: we are never, ever prepared to lose anything in life—especially people. No matter how much you may see it coming, or that you know it’s coming, the inevitable will always happen. People will die, friendships will end, relationships will fail, and people you meet will leave, too. I strive every single day to grasp the notion that everything in life we encounter is merely temporary. But damn…it’s really hard sometimes to not get attached to certain people, places and things. Even when those people, places and things aren’t always the best for us.
But as my mind has drifted down the stream of loss today, my mind has also wandered into the other place where you begin to reflect on all of the good things you have encountered in your life. How timely another article I happened to read about six months ago showed up on my Facebook news feed again and of course—I read that shit again. It was an article about the five types of soulmates you will meet and love in your lifetime—I love this article; it’s so beautiful (http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/02/5-types-of-soulmates-well-meet-love-in-our-lifetimes/).
Some people don’t believe in soulmates, but I do. My definition of a soulmate is not necessarily one of fairy tales and unicorns, but I do believe that in our lifetime we will meet people who reach a part of our innermost person and we will be forever changed by them. These are who I consider to be soulmates. I’ve been lucky to have several soulmates in my lifetime thus far. Sometimes they do stay forever, and other times they are meant to serve as a lesson and move on. I really love those little reminders I get periodically that these people have happened. It’s what keeps me centered on days like today and the realization that nothing is permanent and it’s okay to feel nostalgic or to be sad sometimes. It also helps remind me that we are forever growing and evolving as human beings and we all need soulmates to carry us through to the next phase of our life.
So for all the days like today when I’m missing something or someone or I’m feeling alone, I will choose to hammer it out on “paper” (I’m trying desperately to avoid hitting the journal and better leverage technology) and go to bed with the reminder that tomorrow is another day and another opportunity to encounter one of life’s many lessons. All of life is a journey and tomorrow I will focus on not rushing through the day and going through the motions of being an adult, but rather be thankful for all of the good, bad, and ugly lessons I have yet to learn. After all, I’m still growing and you never know what the day will hold.
But tonight? Tonight I’m going to be sad and lament all of the people I miss and those lessons I’ve learned. And tonight that just has to be okay.
-BWT
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”