THE INTERSECTION
All conversations that seem to invoke the need to write usually happen over lunch with someone and today is no different. Well, that’s not entirely true: I always want to write. Finding the time to do it is something that is proving to be a bit of a challenge (at least in the technological sense). I’m falling behind on technology. Something about the pen still gets to me...
I am continually amazed by people and how much human lives intersect. I can usually identify a kindred spirit pretty easily—the fun part is figuring out how my life will parallel with the person with whom I am engaging. In a professional setting, this can sometimes be difficult for me because I am so interested in learning about people that I have to constantly be cognizant to not overstep boundaries. Sometimes I fail at this…so I just have to laugh it off and keep moving. However, 90% of the time I’m pretty lucky and get to be friends with the people I work with and for that I am super thankful. I, too, have to remember that I am an acquired taste and I don’t appeal to some audiences. (Those are the super funny and super awkward moments that I will someday detail in the HUMOR section on this site).
Now that the framework is set, back to the lunch meeting…
I love meeting strong women—strong, independent women to be precise. These are the women with whom I identify because our lives and how we live them are generally the same. We are truth-seekers. We are often loyal to our detriment because our will is stronger than our emotions. We power through life like bulldozers because we see no other way. We speak our minds and we are blunt in almost everything we do. We will often hurt your feelings because we are committed to honesty and the truth. We are often accused of being emotionless even though we feel very deeply. We will always help people but refuse to be told what to do and how to do it. We’ve already figured that out. We’re not easy. We’re difficult in fact…difficult because we are committed to all things equal. And we are damn sure committed to maintaining autonomy.
And we aren’t for the faint of heart because of these things.
These women are my people. If I consider my closest girlfriends we all possess many of these traits. We are so connected because we understand a depth and level of one another that some find difficult to rationalize or consider. I’ve never considered myself special or perfect though I often joke about being both. The truth is we are all special in own individual ways. But an independent woman can be a dangerous thing because she knows her truth or is 100% committed to seeking it (and chances are she knows your truth, too). This is particularly challenging in a relationship, especially when the other party hasn’t figured out their own truth.
I was shocked to learn today that my lunch guest was getting a divorce. As I listened to her story, I found so much of what she was saying resonating with my life. Married for more than 20 years, she told me that one day she just woke up and decided that everything she had been doing for 20 years was a compromise or sacrifice on her end, with little reciprocity. When he was forced to face the truth of their relationship, he was a victim: it was her who was the problem and had the problem. She was the one who needed counseling, not him. She could spin it any way she wanted to, but at the end of the day it was her who was wrong. For the past two years she had tried to convey to her husband her needs and wants that seemingly fell on deaf ears because of how she was as an individual inside of their marriage. He would often say “I get it; I’ll do better” but yield no result. He left the marriage with no resolve and dissonance; she left the marriage empowered and ready to navigate the road ahead.
Marriage in and of itself is work; neither party is exempt from the level of work that is required to sustain a marriage. But what are you left to do when one party bestows the majority of the responsibility and work to the other without ever considering their wants and needs or even really asking if it’s all right if they carry the weight? I’ve been privy to many conversations over the past several years around why marriages are failing or unsatisfactory. The general sentiment is almost always the same: one person did more than the other and finally had enough.
I’ve come to believe that this is why independent women struggle inside of a relationship and inside of marriage. We are so equipped to getting shit done and taking care of everything that we often find pleasure in just “handling it” without the front-end recognition we are setting ourselves up for disappointment down the road. This, too, was a very profound realization for me. Sometimes we are lucky to meet a man who understands our independence and embraces it without trying to change us. If we’re really lucky, we meet a man who is also independent but embraces us as a partner and shares in the responsibility of a relationship and all that comes with it. With as many unsuccessful marriages as I’ve witnessed, I’ve also witnessed some very amazing ones, too. Sometimes we are willing to make concessions for someone with whom we feel is a good match because we believe that somewhere, deep down, they will reciprocate the very things we do for them. Sometimes people do reciprocate—and therein lies the success. It’s not easy; it never is. It’s damn hard work. But it’s rewarding work because reciprocity is limitless and rewarding and I believe this is where most people want to live.
And, sometimes we end up giving more than required with little to no return because we are perceived to be able to handle it. And sometimes, walking away is the best thing you can do because there’s only so much room in gas tank and there’s only so much gas available.
If you’re finding yourself falling into the seams of unhappiness, do yourself a favor and question yourself and your contribution to your relationship. Are you honestly giving enough? Are you executing selflessly? Do you find yourself blaming your spouse in an exponential manner? If you can answer those questions and still sleep at night, chances are you’ve done everything you could do within your capacity and capability. If you find yourself restless consider you may need help to conquer an inner demon and wholly commit yourself to the person you married and work on true reciprocity and partnership. And if you can't recognize you might need help, then do your partner a favor and share in that truth and be honest.
One thing I very deeply believe is that the greatest contributions to your relationship begin with you. If you aren’t the best version of yourself and you aren’t committed to growth and change (and growth and change together), you will always be taking more water from the well than necessary. The lasting impact that has on your partner will almost always lead you on a journey to find another well.
-BWT