ENLIGHTENMENT BEGINS
The past three years, respectively, have been interesting (insert sarcasm and understatement of the world undertone). Specifically, the past year and a half has been a time for me to liberate myself from all things that aren’t fulfilling. January 2015 started off being the worst year I’ve ever experienced in every way imaginable. After realizing that much of my decision-making process has been emotionally driven, I am working toward centering my decisions on what is the best thing to do versus the thing that provides immediate gratification (which usually leads to self-deprecation). Sidebar: I’m still a work in progress. Generally speaking, until my son was born I thought I had been making well-informed decisions about the direction of my life. Only intermittently analyzing situations and feelings when they arose, I thought that my periods of introspection were just a period that the typical person experiences as the monotony of daily life takes place. No one can truly convey or explain to you how much having a child changes how you think and who you choose to be in a given day. Another sidebar: it’s also important to interject here that while I have been in a monogamous relationship for ten years, I have also spent a good portion of that time alone (six and half years to be exact). I used to laugh about being alone but “in a relationship” until 18 months ago, but this time solitude led me to reevaluate everything I’ve done in my “adult” life after my emotional tank was emptied last year (most usually refer to this as a mid-life crisis; I think of it more as a giant “fuck you” handed to me by the universe…but I’m no victim, so I’ll call it my version of short-term insanity).
My point to stating all that is this: much of my analytical nature was and has been around what is best for the people around me; not always what is best for me as an individual. Not only had I been neglecting myself, I was also focusing my decisions and thought processes on things that were emotionally driving me; not on the actual thought or circumstance itself. I have always professed to be selfish, however, it wasn’t until I reached the depths of my soul did I realize how much of myself I have been sacrificing for the benefit of others’ happiness for most of my life. My care-giver nature was not a sign of selfishness but a lack of selfishness. This realization was pretty eye opening, actually. Considering that I had been sacrificing much of my desires and needs for the greater good of others, it’s amazing I did not implode sooner.
Let’s rewind for a moment to October 2013…I gave birth to the most incredible human being on earth: my son. From the moment I discovered I was pregnant, taking care of someone else and putting them first took on a whole new meaning. I removed myself from what I had cultivated (albeit, not always the best cultivation) because I thought that it was the right and best thing to do in order to be the best parent to him after he was born. I slowly removed my friends, my family, my career, my husband, and what little was left of me as an individual. I placed the life I had chosen on a shelf so that I could focus my undivided attention to the one person I loved more than anything or anyone prior to his arrival. I was also compensating for a void I was not capable of fulfilling when his father left to work overseas at his three month birthday. After all, his arrival meant that everything else took a back seat in order for me to be the most amazing parent on the planet to the one person whom I had more power to influence and mold and bequeath all of my knowledge to for the remainder of his life. I also thought by taking all I had left and channeling my resentment toward my husband into being a father to him, too, that I would somehow grow to resent my husband less for choosing a life away from us instead of with us.
What I have realized in reassessing the past three years of my life is this: I let everyone and everything come before me which led me to being half of what I had wanted to be when I started down the path of life at the bright-eyed age of 20. I don’t know what I resent more at the present moment—the fact that I let others influence my emotions, thereby convoluting the right and best decisions in life or the fact that it was all up to me to begin with and I failed myself. I know, too, that in order to move forward I have to relinquish the resentment I feel. I have also come to know that I am not responsible for others’ choices and emotions as they cannot be changed. However, I can change my response to them. Now that I am beginning to practice this, I am beginning to find myself growing in ways I never imagined.
This year has now become a true “awakening” (though, it won’t end with me walking in to the sea, stripped of my clothing (Kate Chopin reference for those who missed it). This is also not to say that the choices have all been bad ones…sometimes the best decisions we make are the ones we don’t overthink. I try to remind myself that I can’t take back the past and I honestly don’t want to as there were some pretty incredible moments and people with whom I was privileged to experience those moments. Hindsight is always 20/20 and in reflecting back, I know now what I need to do to prevent these seemingly tragic obstacles I once created because I’m not truly thinking about the thought that drives me but the emotion. Emotions lead to expectations, and expectations run the risk of leading to disappointment. No one is exempt from feeling disappointment in life; I get that, I promise. What I am now focused on is making decisions that lead to true enlightenment and self-fulfillment. I have a great opportunity to really enhance my son’s life if I commit to doing what is best for me.
Some may disagree with that statement, however. There are many who believe if we give our all to those currently in our life that we will in turn become fulfilled by our own graciousness. I disagree with that notion. I have always preached to others of the importance of being the best person you can be for yourself first. Once you have achieved that is when you begin to enhance and add value to the lives of those around you. I have not been the best practitioner of that, however. I have spent half of my life doing what is best for those around me because I love them; not because it has been the best thing for me as an individual. This has led me to feeling let down by some of those people. I placed unnecessary expectations on those people without realizing I was even doing so…because I thought all this time if I gave everything I had to those people that they, in turn, would reciprocate the very sentiment I was giving to them. I know now that it doesn’t work that way. People are driven by their own emotions (all of which are very unique and individual; not always to be understood). People are also driven by different thoughts and circumstances (also not always understood by others). I have also come to realize that in order for progress to take place inside of any relationship, whether friendship or a love affair, the key is to have a basic understanding of what drives that person’s outcomes in life.
Until now, that drive for me has always been emotional—I really do find love and meaning in almost everything that crosses my path. I didn’t realize that until this year as I have always found solace in proclaiming myself as a deeply independent woman who is capable of taking care of all things on my own. While I do find strength in that, I have also sold myself short by giving so much more to others which has led me to feeling disappointed more than feeling good about my life’s “investments.” Now the dilemma begins: how does one achieve nirvana and become awakened without ruining the lives of others? I’m still trying to find a balance. I don’t want to become the super mutated version of the self-fulfillment girl and destroy the relationships with those I love—then I will be a true asshole. I’m still trying to learn my threshold of acceptance of what I will and will not tolerate without compromising my own happiness and losing myself and rescind into doing what is better for the other person before putting my needs first. Not all love leads to a fairy tale ending; not all friendships are forever. People will get hurt because love fosters that emotion. Sometimes in life we need to be self-centered to yield a result that will make both parties better in the end. Sometimes things are just toxic regardless of how much you exhaust your efforts and energies. All relationships are comprised of two individuals, and not everyone is capable of reaching or wanting to reach a true understanding of the other.
I was recently stopped by an excerpt from a journal entry recalling a conversation with a friend. An excerpt that I am still pondering. In consideration of the decision-making process and what is right versus what is wrong, we should consider these three things:
1. Ask myself about my past experiences and how similar decisions made me feel following my choice
2. Ask myself how making a decision will impact my current situation
3. Ask myself how making a decision will impact my future goals
I think a lot of people do this already to a degree without too much analysis in a given day. However, for someone like me gravitating toward fulfilling the immediate need or void this does become a pretty daunting process to which I should adhere moving forward. After all, thoughts become things and things become our reality.
Much to consider in the coming months.
–BWT