THE BREAKDOWN

I’ve recently discovered my “new” personality type (I’ve shifted over the course of 15 years) and I’m blown away at how little I had ever really analyzed it.  Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am ridiculously analytical.  Almost to a fault.  But I can’t help it.  And I really don’t want to help it.  It’s just who I am.  It has a name.  INTJ.  So here it is:  my breakdown. 

I’m a perfectionist.  My heart, mind, and soul are in constant need for the best possible life and circumstances.  (My expectations are, however, in check as I am WHOLLY aware there is no such thing as Utopia).  The best possible life?  Well, it’s whatever that may be, and with whomever.  Even if it means I’m alone. (Spoken like a true introvert, I know).  I don’t find value in wasting time on things that are failed systems, unproductive, or useless.  It doesn’t mean I judge anyone for being different than me…it just means this is how I function.  It takes me a while to open up to someone, but when I do it’s usually someone who is for life.  Whatever the capacity.     

I’m a deeply emotional person.  But I don’t like sharing my emotions with people as a general rule of thumb.  I find it exhausting to handle emotion; I prefer to handle things with logic and reason.  That’s why I love to write—it affords me the outlet of being open without having to actually interact with people.  I get an opportunity to think through feelings and apply language to construct feelings in a way that makes sense to others.  Love and feelings are foreign to me on the outside; I’m not driven by emotion.  I’m driven by logic and understanding.  My closest friends and family find ways to laugh at me all the time for “troubleshooting” when it comes to feelings.  I laugh, too, because I realize the ridiculousness of my behavior at times.  Not all things are done with logic...I completely understand that.  It’s just not how my brain is wired.  I’m a solutions kid therefore everything (yes, even love) has a solution with the right process.  Asking me to go with the flow feels too much like chaos.  Follow your heart doesn’t make sense to me.  I like to know what I’m getting in to; I’m not a blind operator.  There is typically a plan B and C in my life.  I don’t always find this healthy either, by the way.  But it does give me peace of mind to have thought through something and be as prepared for anything as I can possibly be.

I enjoy deep and meaningful conversations with people.  I love talking about theories, ideas, philosophies, behaviors, life, and others’ visions.  Idea-sharing motivates me and inspires me.  I love creative things.  I pay attention to the universe and the signs present; intuition comes easily for me.  I consider myself very spiritual (but not religious) so talking about outside forces at work is also fascinating to me.  Signs are always there and I’m lucky to catch many of them before most people.  I’m highly observant, even if I don’t look like I’m paying attention.  Chances are I’m mentally processing what I’m witnessing.    

I process information quickly.  And way too frequently.  When people make suggestions, I have to think about them…extensively.  I appreciate meaningful feedback, removed of emotion.  When people come at me emotionally, I get defensive.  Not because I don’t care, but because that’s not something I understand.  I have to take time to process information and map it in to my brain, in a way that works for me.  I typically know quickly when people suggest something whether or not it will work.  I don’t think people are ignorant; I just follow my instincts but appreciate sound advice.  Therefore, telling me what to do never works.  Just ask anyone who’s ever told me to do something...except my work life (because they’re paying me and I like to keep getting a paycheck…but I do find a way to challenge when it’s necessary). 

I enjoy listening.  Sometimes it’s harder for me to listen when people are telling me their issues/concerns because my mind naturally gravitates toward finding a solution.  Everything about my brain drifts down this path and looks for a process and steps to correct issues.  I get it…this doesn’t work for a lot of people, so I generally excel at work for this reason.  I’ve had a successful career because of this (and I’ve had awesome mentors who have understood this about me).  Meanwhile, my significant others/friends/family finds this behavior frustrating (except for those who are process-driven like me).  I try to be as empathetic to this for their benefit as my brain will allow.  It doesn’t always work; sometimes I’m too harsh in my approach.

I’m forever seeking to learn new things.  Understand patterns/behaviors.  Working to improve myself.  I require it.  I love learning and growing from experiences.  Change is always hard but it rarely scares me.  I prefer things that are effective and efficient, which is why I am constantly studying things—whether people, places, systems, processes, scenarios, etc.  It ALL exhilarates me.  It’s why my house is ridiculously organized and I am forever finding ways to improve it.  It’s why I love my career field; it gives me an opportunity to learn about others and finding solutions for them.  It’s what has worked for me in raising a child.  But… 

My romantic relationships?  They might tell you otherwise.  My approach to love and value in a relationship often comes across as ”managing” a relationship…which can be hard for some people to understand, much less adapt.  It’s not that I don’t care; I care very deeply and prefer stability and loyalty over random and emotional.  I was fortunate once to fall in love with someone who showed me the “other” side.  That doesn’t mean it was an easy road to ride on together.  Messages got misunderstood, ignored, or sometimes never reach a resolution. I’m often misunderstood in love; perceived as selfish or uncompromising.  I just know what makes me happy and what makes me sad…it’s pretty black and white in my mind.  However, most people have color. The key for me is to find someone who shares similar beliefs and values, and has a sense of humor—so he can tell me when I’m being an asshole.

When do I feel most loved or appreciated?  I’m unusual in this way.  I don’t require fulfillment from someone.  I believe we are only capable of making ourselves happy.  A friend told me something I found simple, yet eye-opening today as it has never been put to me in this way:  relationships are meant to be enjoyed; partners are not your responsibility.  Time and space alone to reflect is the one way someone can show me love and appreciation.  I also value time spent together, so I’m not a complete ass.  This is true and a lesson I learned from my previous marriage.  We can only accept people where they are, and choose to support and love them through change.  We also have to recognize when there’s a breakdown or a broken boundary (more on that in another epiphany). 

The end game for everyone?  Pay attention.  It’s not personal; it rarely ever is.  If people communicate, listen; don’t just hear the message but truly listen and aim to understand.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree.  Don’t be afraid to confront issues but do it in a meaningful manner.  Don’t aim to hurt someone’s feelings just because you can or just because you’re hurt.  Be kind and be deliberate in your communication and you’ll get somewhere.  Challenge yourself to be self-aware and dig deeper.  Communicate those discoveries. 

Life is hard.  People are complex.  And so is love.  But we always have a choice.  Commitment is often stronger than emotion and can carry you through the hard times.

-BWT