THE BOUNDARY
Boundary (n.) – something that indicates bounds or limits; a limiting or bounding line.
We all have them (and some people are more aware of their own than others). Work, life, love, emotional, mental, and physical demands help shape them. They also exist for a reason, whether we recognize the event(s) that help shape them in midst of the lesson. Life experiences. Circumstances. Physical, emotional, and mental pain. Geographical. Childhood. There are all sorts of things that lead to the establishment of boundaries. Most often they are realized in hindsight, however.
I have a few and after the past decade I’ve realized that some of mine were created from childhood experiences and some as a result of my own personal experiences and choices that were hard lessons learned. Some people refer to them as deal-breakers. Some prefer the term non-negotiable items. Whatever your definition, it begs the question of how often you’ve chosen to defy a personal boundary even when you know something to be “off” or wrong for you. How soon are you able to recognize the action when it’s presented in order to hedge any future heartache or risk compromising a part of yourself?
Personal boundaries, in my humble opinion, are incredibly important. No one volunteers to be a doormat; you just become one if you don’t establish appropriate boundaries. Having personal guidelines, rules, or limits (whatever you may call them) gives people an opportunity to understand how to behave toward you and affords an opportunity to those who choose to cross a boundary an understanding of what happens when a threshold is passed. There are always consequences to every action; nothing is exempt. Having them also helps create a relationship between two individuals that is mutually respectful, supportive, and loving. It shows care—both self-care and care for another human being. It’s healthy. Being a doormat, peacekeeper, or people-pleaser is not.
It’s easier in certain social scenarios to observe the rules of engagement, too. Work, for example, is easier in many ways because I understand the individuals who work for me and their limits (as well as them learning mine). It’s removed of emotion in many ways, too. (Based on my previous post, this works well for me because I’m not emotionally driven). While I care about my employees, I recognize the importance of establishing parameters with them. I’m able to identify their boundaries, work to respect them, and communicate when they are crossed without emotion taking a front-seat. It’s rarely personal in a work setting as well. Consider an environment that is customer-centric. One of my professional boundaries is when someone actively ignores or fails to recognize an expectation I have set for them, which is always centric to the team’s needs and providing a customer-focused setting. I don’t single people out when it comes to serving the public; it’s not personal. The boundaries I establish in the workplace ensures that the people we are here to serve are treated well, with respect, and with value.
I’ve also been subjected to a personal boundary being crossed in my professional life a time or two (#metoo) as well. I remember when I was working as a Private Banker I had a client misunderstand the rules of engagement in our working-relationship. Following a dinner with Executive Leadership he took it upon himself to find his way to my car after the dinner meeting ended. I went to use the restroom before leaving the restaurant and found myself walking toward my car with my client leaning up against my car door. He attempted to proposition me, stating I would stand to benefit if I conceded to giving him what he wanted from me. I was stunned. This was the first time it ever happened to me that someone misunderstood my relationship with them of the opposite sex. I was appalled. This man was also my father’s age. He was married. He had two children. Two GROWN children who were close in age to me! What was he thinking???
I remember getting in my car after offering him a few choice words wondering what had possessed this man to think that a 30-year old woman would engage in a sexual relationship in order to better her career. Rather than be a victim and blame myself for what had happened, I reflected on the notion that it is often times in the nature of people to push a limit to see how far they can get. Did anything happen to me? No. Would I have allowed it to get a leg up in my career? Never. I did nothing wrong or provide him with a path that afforded him the right to cross the line…but he chose to cross the line. My only job in that moment was to tell him he crossed the line. And I’ll never forget this being the moment that changed the course of how I choose to do business with people in my career field.
Prior to this incident happening, I never established a basis of how I like to work, what I will do, what I can do, what I won’t do, and how I will do something for a client. This moment was good for me in the sense that if I communicated my rules, then there would be no question on how to approach doing business with me. This moment changed the course of my life in more ways than one. It gave me the platform to offer people an understanding that I am human; not a miracle-worker or an outlet to leverage for personal favors. It also challenged me to think deeper into other areas of my life—what was acceptable, what was unacceptable. Things that often felt wrong or uncomfortable were often overlooked in my personal life and I had never really considered why until this moment happened. Where else had I been compromising parts of myself? Where was I allowing my lack of boundaries effect my happiness?
It marked the beginning of my awareness of myself to be quite fair. Prior to this, I had always been a people-pleaser, often ignoring my intuition in order to keep the peace and do what made others happy in lieu of my personal feelings, wants, or needs. It has taken many years to perfect them. And they will forever be a work in progress because as I grow and evolve, so will my personal policies. Over the past three years, respectively, this is what I have determined works best for me:
Time to reflect – it is incredibly important to me that I have time to reflect. My brain requires it. Life moves so quickly and I need time to myself to catch up. I give my undivided attention to the things and people that matter the most. I’m also an introvert, so my energy depletes pretty quickly (especially give my profession). I love my job and I love helping people and participating in things…but I require time to refuel. And often. I enjoy writing, I miss working out (need to get back at it...), I love being alone in my house to do whatever I want to do—quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what the action is other than I have a pocket of time each day to recharge. I’m a nicer human and better for others when this happens. It doesn't mean I don't care; it means I need to be the best person possible for everyone else. Sometimes I travel alone. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I retreat into a book.
Independence – another critical measure. I will never relinquish control over who I am and things I enjoy. I like to have a plan A, B, and C with many things. I don’t need someone to save me. I don’t require someone else to be happy. Do I enjoy having someone to lean on or help me from time-to-time? Absolutely. Do I enjoy spending time with people one-on-one? Immensely. But are these things necessary to my happiness? No. I used to joke with my ex-husband about this: need versus want. I always used to tell him I never needed him; that I wanted him. And when I quit wanting him, he’d be gone. Some tell me this was harsh, but it was the truth. He always appreciated me for being able to handle my business; he never challenged his trust in me with my need to remain independent either. One thing that is critical to any romantic relationship I find myself in is that I don’t want there to be a need to explain ourselves to the other ALL of the time; we just understand one another because it’s the right fit. Even if we don’t like the position the other states, we still respect it and understand it and move forward. The harsh truth that I will die by is that it is not our job to make someone else happy or fix someone's issues or insecurities; our job is to enhance someone's life for the better and accept them for where they are on their path in life and understand that path is forever-evolving and aim to grow together.
Self-care - this plays in to personal happiness. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can you possibly show up or be present for someone else? If you are constantly trading one vice for another, replacing one person with another, or moving from this life to the next without much thought, you aren't happy with something inside of yourself. It's time to stop where you are and reflect. Make changes if you find yourself gripping toward unhealthy choices. Acknowledge your own bullshit. This is one of the hardest things to do, but it's imperative for the betterment of yourself. This is quite possibly the most important thing to me in dealing with anyone. If you aren't proactively taking steps to better yourself, call yourself out for your shortfalls, or stepping forward to better your life you are missing the boat and you will sink every single time. I've been guilty of this so many times in the course of my 37 years on this earth and three years ago I quit. I quit living for everyone else and turned the finger on myself. You will never again find me blaming someone else for my own bullshit. Am I perfect? Hell no. Do I slide periodically and do things that aren't healthy? Of course. I'm human...just like everyone else. But since my mother died, I have made it a point to live steadfast to this rule of letting things go when it compromises a boundary...even if it's painful as hell. And the hard and fast truth to someone compromising your boundaries? They fail to respect your position. Just let that digest for a moment...if people genuinely care, they will acknowledge when this happens and move quickly to correct it. If they don't? They never respected it from the beginning.
Accountability - also ties in to my previous two boundaries. If you fail to acknowledge when something is wrong, how can you possibly be living your best life? Ignorance is not bliss. It's ignorant. I mess up daily. It's hard to acknowledge it, yes. Sometimes it is flat out painful. If you can call yourself out, you can call others out, too. The dilemma lies in the fact that when someone can't see what they are doing wrong, it's harder to reach personal accountability to an action or behavior. I struggled on an incredibly deep level with this with my mother growing up, well in to adulthood. It's one of those deep-seeded behaviors that I will never forget. There were patterns to everything she did; she just never reached an understanding of herself enough to acknowledge them. It was excruciating to watch, and painful to experience. I like to believe that I experienced this with her so that it would make me better at gaining a sense of personal accountability. I also learned that because of this, if someone is coming from a place of love with a genuine concern maybe you should listen and reflect. They will either hear the message or they won't but it isn't your job to correct a behavior in someone that is causing themselves harm. We all have choices.
The goal is never to judge or criticize a boundary; the goal is to understand and respect them and meet people where they are. Pushing people in appropriate ways helps them grow; crossing the stated boundaries, however, is never acceptable. It's down-right disrespectful. I think many agree with this sentiment, but often when emotions run high it gets harder to adhere to the rules of engagement. If you find yourself struggling in this department, try removing the emotion and hear the message being delivered. Sometimes you'll be surprised at what you're actually hearing when you strip away your personal feelings. If you want to read something amazing by Mark Manson on what leads to successful relationships, check out this article. It can be applied to most relationships, honestly. He's a brilliant observer.
- BWT
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”