THE RESOLUTION
It’s funny how the end of the year always brings about a sense of closure. I like seeing social media nowadays and people getting all juiced up about the New Year...sometimes I giggle when I read things. Mean, I know. But at least I admit it.
Personally, I’ve always gotten a little sentimental every year during this time, but this year in particular I’ve been waiting for closure. This past year was the most epically fucked up year I’ve had life-to-date. And somehow, I survived. Tonight I sit here with the weight of two worlds upon my shoulders: the life I dreamed of and the life I want. Sure, expectations played a role in what I wanted. Our wishes don’t exist without some level of expectation that they will be delivered upon. However, where I think many people make the mistake is in believing that just because you desire something it is supposed to come easy and naturally. While this may be true on a superficial level (chemistry creates the initial layer), nothing in life we experience is perfect and people are not perfect so you will need to put in some hard work at times to get the results you are after. The definitions of work vary vastly from person to person, and the level of effort is always very different.
I believe the resolution for me as I get settled in to 2017 is that sometimes we must choose to live the life we have realized and not lament the one we wished for. And sometimes we have to let go and move on because of these realizations.
One year. One. Whole. Year.
In 2016 I lost a lot, I gained a lot, and I certainly can’t change any of it—even the stuff I’d want to change. People will make their own choices and follow their own paths. People will ultimately move in directions you might have not wished for when they came in to your life. People will be taken from you without warning. People will choose to leave without warning. People will always be who they are unless they choose to change.
The sun will always rise, life will continue, and you will have to find a way to accept it and move forward. Grief is a part of this process. Grief is something I used to loathe but one I’m starting to find some level of comfort in happening to me now. It’s a reminder that I loved and made an investment of myself in someone or something. It’s also a reminder that I learned, too.
I was recently told by someone that my writing is too introspective and depressing…of course I disagreed. I’ve always believed some of the most emotionally intelligent people are deep thinkers (some…not all people). I say that not to sound arrogant, but how can one change their ways without the full understanding and acknowledgement of what drives their behavior? Emotionally intelligent people aren’t smarter than the rest of the world; we just take our experiences and actually reflect on them for self-improvement for the overall greatest contributions to which we are surrounded. I’ve been writing privately for a long, long time. I’ve also had plenty of time alone in the past several years to think about where I am in my life. I’ve barely blinked and my son is now three. Next thing I know, I’ll be 40. The fact that my mother passed away at 59 gives me all the more reason to get my ass in gear and do all the things I want to accomplish before I run out of time.
And let’s get really honest: time is the biggest complaint people have, the biggest commitment people make, and the greatest gift you can give. It’s also the thing far too many people waste. It’s why people make resolutions each year. Time is everything and the largest thing I have grown to value in the past year. One thing I have always held steadfast to (even before this past year) is this: your attention and devotion of time is a choice and a priority. Just because you say something, write something down, or even think something, the devotion of your time to it is only as good as the action to show up for it. Presence. Attention. Focus. People make time for the things they value. If you don’t value it, you won’t show up for it.
It takes a firm commitment mentally and emotionally to be present for people: in work, in life, in love, and in friendship. I’m continually amazed at the challenges I face as I compete with the clock each day. I’m also continually amazed as I observe people mismanage it. Where people fail to show up, in my opinion, is not understanding their individual priorities and setting the proper expectations to those with whom they interface. People who say they want to be in a relationship may make time to talk to the person of interest but their actions don’t validate their words. People say they want to accomplish goals at work and grow and develop, yet their daily routines and habits don’t support their plans. People say they want to lose weight and eat healthier as part of their “new year, new me” mentality, but they have not fundamentally prepared their mindset and fall off the “resolutionary bandwagon” by March. These are just a few examples; the list is vast and varied. However, my point is that people ultimately fail to manage their own expectations and their own motives; they haven’t considered the emotional behavior required behind the scenes to ensure things actually happen. Hence, the importance of having emotional intelligence: without it, you will continue to do as you have always done without accomplishing the goal of self-improvement. My mantra of 2017 will continue to be: Assess my Mess.
Yes, messes are dirty…they are supposed to be…life is messy! Human beings are flawed and make stupid decisions (yes, there is such a thing). I have given up perfection and the pursuit of it. I learned that lesson in 2015 when the life I had planned wasn’t exactly going according to the plan. I think of life in a very simplistic manner now, actually...I’ll use a toilet as an example. Unless you are prepared to put on some gloves and scrub the shit off the bottom of the toilet, the mess will ultimately lead to an unusable toilet. And eventually, you’ll just have to find another place to shit. This seems exhausting to me. I like the comfort of my own toilet. I know it’s clean because I maintained it. Maybe I went two weeks without cleaning it, but I came around to cleaning it because I started to see the mildew forming. I don’t mind when others need to use my toilet because I know it’s clean for them, too. And if you can’t let your guests use your toilet, there’s something fundamentally wrong with how you’re cleaning.
A crass interpretation, yes. But life is no different, really. You maintain the things that need to be maintained by putting in the work required to keep them moving in the right direction. Yes, things will breakdown and you’ll need to fix them periodically. There is something to be said about hard work—jobs, love, friendships, and life don’t happen without work and a commitment of time to them. Presence is critical in the attainment of the goals inside of them as well. You can’t have what you want if you aren’t willing to sacrifice and do the work necessary to achieve the end game. You do this by showing up—by being present. Committing your time and showing people your value with the actions necessary. Interpretations may vary, but fundamentally speaking: if you want to eat the cake, you’ve got to go to the store and buy the ingredients and come home and bake the damn thing.
The charge this year is this: do what you say you’re going to do and do it with every ounce of time and energy you have if it’s something you truly value. We aren’t promised tomorrow and dwelling on old habits and behaviors won’t right the wrongs. Life will be messy: there will be roadblocks and there is no clear path to perfection. There is, however, always time to fix things if you’re willing to put in the work.
Clock's ticking. Get dirty this year. Shit happens.
-BWT